A new relationship can be exhilarating yet confusing. How do you know the new person in your life is the right one for you. A lot of women and men tend to attract similar relationships over and over. This is due to the patterns they unconsciously create and repeat. I have written about this in my blog called, ‘The Law of Attraction: You Attract What You Believe You Are’, but to reiterate in a few words, we attract what we think we are. If you believe you are unworthy of a loving partner, you will attract a new relationship in which you will be treated in an unloving way.
The question is, how do we step out of this pattern and attract the ‘right’ partner?
In order to step out of the patterns, you must first acknowledge them. Go back to all your relationships of the past; reflect on how you showed up.
What role(s) did you play?
Was it the ‘perfect wife’ or maybe the ‘powerful provider’?
How about the ‘obedient wife’?
The key here is to notice how you behaved in the relationship. Now give it a name as I did above. Sit in that energy.
Ask yourself, “Did I like my role(s)?
Did I thrive in it or did I shrink?
How did my role(s) contribute to the breakdown of that relationship?
Do I always slip into that role(s) when I enter a new relationship?
Do I want to play that role(s) again?”
Acknowledging the roles you took on in the past, will help you see the patterns. You must see the role(s) and patterns in order to change or get rid of them.
“If you are going to clean the house, you have to see the dirt” – Louise Hay
So how do you enter new relationships and avoid repeating your destructive roles and patterns?
At the beginning of a new relationship, you are in the honeymoon phase. Everything appears perfect exactly as it is. You may think that your partner’s over achieving work habits are a great model of integrity. At this point of the relationship, you cannot see their behaviour as dishonouring to them and you because your view is being filtered by the rose-coloured glasses of the honeymoon phase.
Allow some time, maybe three-four weeks to pass while you enjoy the ‘perfect relationship’. Then you can ask yourself the questions below. Be honest with your answers, as you have made a decision to change your patterns in order to find the right person.
10 Questions to ask yourself in a new relationship
- Is he/she rescuing me? If yes, how and from what?
- Am I rescuing him/her? If yes, how and from what?
- Am I seeing him/her for who they really are? How do they behave with others? How do they treat their family and friends?
- Am I myself with him/her?
- Is he/she being authentic with me? Notice if there are any inconsistencies in their behaviour or communication with you and others.
- Can I tell him/her my darkest secrets?
- Do I feel safe with him/her?
- Am I slipping into a role when I’m with him/her? If yes, which role? (The good wife, subservient, obedient…)
- What do I need from him/her?
- Am I engaging in safe sex? Does he/she encourage safe sex?
As you answer these questions, reflect on how you want your life to be and ask if these are honouring it. It can be hard to see the truth but a necessity if you want to be authentically happy.
I highly recommend you ask yourself these questions at different intervals and when making major decisions through out the relationship. As time goes on, the phases of the relationship change. What you could not see clearly at the beginning phase may now be extremely clear in the next.
A great book I can recommend to those who want to dig deeper into their patterns:
‘Calling in “The One”:7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life’ by Katherine Woodward Thomas
- What roles do you play in your relationships?
- Have you chosen someone because they would rescue you?
- What other questions would you ask yourself in a new relationship?
Contact Therapy With Carol if you would like help in transforming your relationship into a healthy and satisfying one where your needs get met.