When we become clear of what we want, I mean, very clear, the Universe conspires to make it happen.

Clarity is knowing what you excel at and how you are able to empower others.

I don’t think anyone really knows how this works as clarity is an intangible concept that cannot be proven by science, at least as far as I know.  It has to do with the energy we hold around beliefs, wants and desires. This energy needs to be congruent with our inner beliefs of worthiness, capabilities and the like.

Whenever I’ve had clarity about a specific aspect of my life, I’ve watched things work out for me just the way I’ve dreamed of it. I will share a story.

How Clarity Affects Our Dreams

I was working with a coach about branding myself. She said to me, “You must narrow what you want to do and who you want to do it with, down to a very small window”.

I struggled with that as I am a Psychotherapist and I work with women, men and families of all ages. I seemed confused at that point and surely lacked clarity. But she insisted that it is a must for branding myself. She explained that even if I narrowed it down, it wouldn’t stop the rest of the people from coming to me.

In the hour that we consulted, I made a decision to work with disempowered women who are going through a separation or divorce. “That’s pretty narrow”, I said to her. In that hour I became clear as to my work. I’d never enjoyed as much clarity.

The very next day I got a call from someone who was going through a breakup. Then I received another call from a couple that is on the verge of divorce.

It went on and on and a lot of my new clients were those dealing with breakup or divorce (or those who wanted to avoid divorce).

I did nothing to promote my business.

I was flabbergasted. I could not believe that in the hour that I became clear in what I wanted,  the Universe brought me exactly that.

And she was right, as I went along my work, other clients called. Men, women and families came and continue to come to me to work on other issues as well.

In retrospect, I now see how throughout my life, when I was extraordinarily clear on what I wanted, I received. Somehow, the Universe conspired to make it happen.

The key words here are; ABSOLUTE CLARITY is what the Universe needs from you in order to help you achieve your goals.

When in your life have you been extremely clear about what you wanted and it happened almost effortlessly?

If you are still struggling with finding absolute clarity, please contact Therapy With Carol.

Surrender to the Fear of the Unknown? What does it mean? Is it possible?

Have you ever had something happen in your life that made you freeze in panic or have a melt down?   Maybe it was a call from your boss to schedule a private meeting for the following week. You start thinking about what he has in store for you. Maybe he wants to demote or worse, fire you? Or could it be that he is holding you responsible for your team’s failure to secure an important account? As you wait for that fateful day, you lose sleep, you cry and fret and succumb to eating a bucket of ice cream and more. The last thing you can think of right now is to Surrender to that fear. You either feel the need to do something about it or become completely paralysed by this fear. Surrender seems an impossibility right now…

When something in our lives is presented to us and we don’t know what will happen, we automatically go into fear mode. This happens as we try to think our way to solve it. The problem is that the brain cannot think of something that it does not know. It does not know what the problem is, therefore it cannot think its way to a resolution, and so we feel out of control and we panic.
Negative thinking sets in and life becomes miserable. We worry, lose sleep and life can become unbearable for us and those around us.

We can lose valuable time in achieving our goals because of this nasty interruption.

How can you ward off or surrender to fear? 

The first thing is to not listen to other’s views around the subject because, unless they are the source, they probably know as little as you do.

If there is a chance to enquire and get more information, then do so. This will bring you back into your power through the knowledge versus the unknown.

If there is nothing you can do but wait, then do just that. Wait. But wait in a healthy way.

To remain positive and get out of what I call the negative spin of unhelpful thoughts, simply acknowledge that you don’t know what will happen. It may be negative or it may be positive. You won’t know until you meet your boss. So instead of losing your equilibrium, allow yourself to acknowledge the fear of the unknown and surrender to it. Make an internal statement to yourself that what ever is about to come, you choose to trust the Universe will lead you through it and all will be well. In most cases, you worry over something that never happens. Don’t lose valuable time. Continue to dream, work and create the life that you want and deal with the situation only when it is appropriate to do so.

For more help with this, please contact Therapy With Carol.

Many of us often forget all the goodness in our lives. We tend to focus on the negative. Even though we may be happy with a great outcome, that happiness fades fast as we start to think of what else needs to be fixed, changed or transformed. We think about what happened in the past, worry about the future and forget to be in the moment of now.

Our thoughts are creating our reality. What we focus on most, will materialize in our lives. If we are constantly worried, we keep our focus on the negative and we remain in that place.
Notice your thoughts. Do you worry about finances? Notice how many hours a day you worry about money. And then notice where your life is going in relation to money and finances. It probably stays in that same energy.

In order to change this we must change our thoughts. Keeping our thoughts positive will bring goodness in. I know how hard it is to stay positive when you are constantly faced with bills that need to be paid and not having enough money in your bank account. It is hard not to worry. But worry only keeps you in that negative place. Worry does not bring in money. It does not alleviate financial debt. So ask yourself if worrying is helping your situation. Your answer will be ‘No’.

How to replace worrying with Gratitude?

You can start by saying, “Thank you Universe for reminding me that worry is unproductive”. And from there, continue to say thank you for every little thing.

Gratitude instantly changes our negative thoughts into positive ones. We cannot be grateful and negative at the same time.

The universe is listening and loves it when we show gratitude. It responds in kind. The more gratitude we show for the goodness that enters our lives, the more goodness comes into our lives.

Get into the habit of thanking the Universe for everything. If you get a new client, thank the Universe. If you get out of a possible speeding ticket, thank the Universe. If you notice the traffic lights are all green as you approach them, thank the Universe. If you get an amazing parking spot at a busy shopping mall, thank the Universe. Make it a habit to converse with the Universe. It is listening.

Start a gratitude journal and do this everyday. It only takes a minute or two.

Every morning write down 5 things you are grateful for. It doesn’t have to be grand, keep it simple. You can be grateful for your morning coffee. And every night before going to bed, write down 5 more things. By doing this on a daily basis, it forces your mind to focus on the positives. As your mind focuses on the positives, the Universe brings more positive to you. Try it for 30 days.

For more help with this, please contact Therapy With Carol.

Standing in Your Power can mean different things to different people.

When a man is drowning in the ocean and you swim out to save him, he will thrash about, grab you and pull you down in order to climb on top of you to save himself. For him this is survival.

The best way to save a drowning man is to knock him out cold before he drowns you too.

When someone treats you poorly there is something wrong with him or her, not you. Emotionally healthy people do not go around destroying other human beings.

A person who feels the need to constantly judge, berate or belittle you is that drowning person who needs to pull you down in order to feel good about himself/herself.

Unfortunately many people have these ‘drowning’ persons in their lives and feel they cannot do anything to change it. Many actually fall prey to such abusive people and begin to believe there is something wrong with them, or they would not be treated that way.

A good way to protect yourself when faced with such abusive people is to remember that they are emotionally drowning. As you uncover the reasons they have such low self-esteem, you may even develop compassion for them. But the most important lesson for you is to not allow anyone to make you feel less than.

What is “Standing in Your Power”?

You may have to ‘knock them out cold’ by standing in your own power. You can create personal boundaries and communicate this to them. One way you can do this is to say to the effect; “I will not allow you to berate me anymore. If you continue to do this, I will disengage and leave the room”.  But you must act on what you say and you must be consistent. Remember, a habit takes a while to break and a person who constantly berates you has formed this habit.

When we create boundaries, we must also be prepared to lose people from our lives. There are a lot of people who refuse to look at their own behaviours and therefore may never accept that they are wrong. And so you must be prepared to lose this person who berates you. It’s the only way to succeed and remain in your power.

Have you ever allowed yourself to create boundaries and in doing so lost someone from your life?

How did it feel?  Any regrets?

Need help? Contact Therapy With Carol.

KARMA, as defined on Wikipedia, means action, work or deed; it also refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect where intent and actions of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect).

Everything we do creates Karma. There is a saying. “Revenge is a plate eaten cold”. When we do something to hurt another living thing, weather it is a human, animal, plant or the earth itself, we create Karma for ourselves. That living being does not need to seek revenge. Karma will take care of it for them.

In the news today, the story of Cecil the Lion who was killed by an American Dentist has provoked global anger towards Walter Palmer. The world is calling for his punishment for taking the life of an innocent animal just for the sake of trophy.

This man is now in hiding as he is well aware that his own safety is now at stake.

He created his own Karma. His intent and actions of killing, skinning and beheading Cecil the Lion has influenced his future.

Cecil does not have to seek revenge. He cannot. He is gone. But his soul lives on and watches as Walter Palmer now suffers for his actions. Karma has taken care of Cecil’s pain and hopefully will teach Walter Palmer a lesson or two.

We are creators of our own lives. We choose everyday how to behave and react to others’ behaviours. If we choose to hurt someone or respond in anger and revenge, we may succeed in the moment. But we also create our Karma. With this creation, we simply strengthen the energetic cords that bind us together. We remain entwined in the pain and drama with them. Karma will keep us entwined. Instead, we can choose to walk away, remain peaceful within and allow Karma to do its job. As they say, “Karma’s a bitch!”

As I drive here in Toronto and see a person on the street with a sign asking, begging, for money, I reach my hand into my ashtray that is always loaded with coins for my coffee runs, I don’t look at what I grab, I just give it away. Sometimes I end up giving a couple of dollars and other times it may be larger amounts. It all depends on how much is in there. But I don’t control it.

Some people tell me, “Don’t give them money, they will just buy alcohol or drugs.” But I don’t listen. I believe that my mission is to be kind and generous and it is their journey to use it as they please. Their choices will create their own Karma. My choices will create mine.

To create a life of good Karma, be kind and generous with your love, knowledge, money and possessions. It will come back to you two-fold.

What have you experienced as Karma – positive or negative, in your life?

Do you know how it was created?

In case of negative Karma, do you know how to erase it now?

To learn more about Karma and the Universe, contact Therapy With Carol now.

Who is “The Man in the Mirror?”

When people in our lives constantly upset us, we tend to blame them for what they continue to do wrong.  Yes, I get it.  It is upsetting to watch our children not take responsibility for their own education. To constantly do their minimum, just to get by while we know how brilliant they are and what they can achieve if they simply decide to.

When we constantly feel upset, disappointed or even angry with our children, know that this feeling is a reflection of how we feel within ourselves. I am not invalidating the wish we have for our children to excel, as this is important. It remains an issue. But when we are so triggered that it causes us great anguish over it, perhaps it is time to look within and ask ourselves, where in our lives do we not take responsibility? This may require some deep self-reflection.

I also get when your co-worker makes recurring silly mistakes just because he does not care enough to pay attention to the task at hand, and then you feel the need to fix his mistakes before the boss notices. After all you care about him and don’t want anything bad to happen.

When you notice that they are not paying attention to the task at hand, and this really bothers you on a regular basis, then I suggest you look within and ask,“ Where do I not care enough to pay attention in my life?”  Your answer may be that you don’t pay enough attention to someone in your family or perhaps to yourself. Perhaps you are a busy mom who takes care of everyone around her but ignores her own needs.

How about when a parent refuses to take care of their health?  You can see clearly that a little self-discipline is all it takes for them to make the shift to a healthier body. But they don’t.   Yes, it can be very upsetting.

These people mirror back to you issues that you have denied within yourself. They mirror them back to help you grow and evolve. They are your mirrors, and you, theirs.  They are here to offer you the gift to reflect within and transform your self-sabotaging behaviours and beliefs.  When you realize that your anger about the other person is really about yourself, the anger will disappear.  Try it.  Now, it does not mean that the issue is non-existent. It is and it is bothersome. But when your reactions are extreme and cause you discomfort, this reflection is a sign that you may need to ask, “Where is this a mirror in my life?”  When you find the answer, you then have the opportunity to change it. This discovery allows you to heal a part of yourself. With the healing, you change your reaction, which in turn will change the dynamics between you and the other person. You soon find out who is the man in the mirror!

As Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror” says, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change.”

I believe we are on this earth for a reason.  That reason is to grow and evolve into the best human beings that we can be.   I believe that everyone in our lives; family, friends, coworkers and even strangers are here to help us grow and evolve by being our mirror. This mirror is to help us recognize a denied part of ourselves that affect our lives negatively.  And in reciprocation, we are their mirrors as well

How to recognize when someone is a mirror to you:

Ask yourself, “What bothers me the most about this person?”

Then ask yourself, “ Where in my life am I like this?”

To receive more help with this, please contact Therapy With Carol now.

Do you suffer from chronic pain? Does pain prevent you from fully enjoying your life?

Your body holds all the unhealed emotional pain of present and past. Unless released, this emotional pain becomes physical pain and dis-ease ensues.

Anger resides in your liver. Fear of survival, security and lack of support are felt in your lower back.  Joint pain may represent changes in direction in life and the ease of these movements. Chronic Dis-eases may be a reflection of your refusal to change, fear of the future or not feeling safe.    * Louise Hay- “You Can Heal Your Life”

A few years ago during my divorce court days, I received a sum of money. I placed it in the bank. But then I thought if I leave it there, the lawyers will somehow end up with it.   So I made the decision to spend it on a new car.I went to the dealership, ordered the car and paid cash.  The next day, my back seized. No medication could relieve it.  I did not understand what happened, as I knew that I did not strain or twist my back.  I suffered for three days until I remembered that I just spent a lot of money in one go on the car. I thought about what it meant for me and realized that my fears around money and security had kicked in.  The amazing thing was that once I became aware of my emotions tied to my back, it released as if nothing had happened.

What emotional pain is your body holding on to?

When you continue to suffer in your body, try to identify what the emotions around it are. Two books I recommend are “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise L. Hay and “Your Body Speaks Your Mind” by Deb Shapiro.  Deb Shapiro’s Book provides questions to ask yourself to help you identify the underlying emotions/blocks that may be causing you pain.

Where in your body have you been suffering?

What fears/emotions do you think it is connected to?

If you have been suffering and need help in uncovering the emotional issues underneath the physical pain, contact Therapy With Carol.

Your house is your body, mind and spirit.  As you take care of yourself, you nourish your body with healthy food and drink, rest and exercise. You also groom your body on a daily basis to keep it clean.

Do you remember your mom telling you as a young person “Don’t forget to wash behind your ears”? She was reminding you to scrub those areas that you don’t really think about or see for that matter. If you never washed behind your ears the dirt would build up and become very unpleasant.

Your mind and spirit are part of your body. They need to rest, be nourished, exercised and groomed.  The thoughts that constantly repeat in your head, those that remind you that you ‘messed up yet again’ or ‘you are not smart enough to handle this job’, is the dirt that needs to be seen and acknowledged before you can get rid of them and their negative effects on you.

“What you resist persists”. This famous quote by the late Swiss Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist Carl G. Jung means basically the same as the title of this blog. What you resist seeing and acknowledging will continue to be present in your life.  If you are constantly plagued by negative thoughts and experiences, take a look at the ‘dirt’ in your thoughts that you are resisting to acknowledge.  An example of this may be that you believe you will not be able to survive on your own. These fear-based thoughts keep you in a place of disempowerment. In turn, you may choose to remain in an abusive relationship because your fear is greater than the abuse you experience.

To move forward and out of that abusive relationship or other non-serving experiences, you must be willing to see the ‘dirt’, your negative thoughts around the fear, acknowledge that you have these fears, and then make a decision about whether you want to change it.

You can only change what you acknowledge.

10 Steps to see the dirt and clean it up:

1. Notice how your life is going in general.
2. Ask yourself if you like your life.
3. Ask what would you like to change about your life.
4. Reflect on your patterns around the thing you most would like to change.
5. Ask yourself, how are these patterns serving you?
6. Ask, what are my deep inner fears around this?
7. Notice the fear and thoughts that come up.
8. Give it a name. For example, I’m afraid that I won’t find a job that will pay all the bills.
9. Acknowledge this fear. Sit in it for a while.
10. Face your fear and do it anyway.

My Dirt and how I overcame it:

One of my fears is speaking to large groups. I was at a workshop a few years ago with over 150 people. I watched others go up to the microphone to speak all weekend and kept thinking to my self, “I’m so scared but I must do it”.

It took me the entire weekend to muster up the courage. At the last hour, I forced myself to do it as time was running out. I went up to the microphone and blurted something out. I have no idea what I said! My heart was racing; All I could hear was my own heartbeat in my ears. That’s all I was aware of.  As I sat down I thought about what words came out of my mouth. They did not make sense. My inner critic immediately took over and berated me for my stupidity. But once I settled down, I realized that I managed to face my fear and did it anyway.  I felt so proud of myself that it didn’t really matter what I said.

What ‘Dirt’ have you mustered up the courage yourself to finally see?

How did you acknowledge the ‘Dirt’ and purposely overcome it? How did it feel?

If you would like some help “Seeing your dirt to clean your house”, contact Therapy With Carol now.

Stress and Anxiety may at times be simply a matter of perception.

When life feels challenging, we tend to either go into our shell to hide from the world, what I call depression, or take our pain outwards which can show up as highly emotional reactions such as anger, sadness, rage and fear. Those are moments when stress and anxiety begin to creep into our lives.

People are suffering way too much with high amounts of stress and anxiety, in our North American society. They may have trouble sleeping, eating well and become dependent on harmful substances such as excessive alcohol consumption or ingesting illegal substances.

The fact is that our society places high demands on us. Or so we think.

Let’s look at a typical day at the office. You may have a deadline to meet, or you may have a highly demanding and unreasonable boss. You feel the stress and anxiety building gradually and develop health issues. The next thing you know is that you are now on sleeping pills and anti anxiety pills to help you manage your daily life.

It does not have to be this way. You have choices. But most people think they don’t.

This is where perception comes into play.

Let’s look at the office job. Your boss is demanding. How do you perceive him? You may perceive him as a threat to your livelihood. You may feel that if you do not meet his demands on his timeline, no matter how unreasonable they may be, he will fire you.

Well, in very small instances this may be true based on the job description. If you are expected to bring in large accounts, are being paid very highly for it, then I would say you most definitely are in a demanding and stressful job.

But in most middle stream North America, the jobs the average persons hold are not as demanding. Yet employees feel the same amount of stress as the highly paid wheeler and dealer.

Six steps to reduce stress and anxiety

1-Change the way you perceive the situation and the situation will change.

It’s really a matter of perception.

You can choose to see it as threatening to your livelihood, or you can choose to see it for what it really is. That it, the deadline you must meet may be unreasonably set, you are not doing your part of the job or the job requires more research and resources that were not given to you, and so on.

Assuming you are doing your job, then how can you change the way you perceive the threat?

2–Now this is the part that requires you to notice your thoughts and emotions around them. You may be thinking;

“I will lose my job”.

“He will think I am not competent or smart enough for this job”.

“He will find out that I really am a fraud”.

“They will judge me”.

“He never gave me enough information and I’m afraid to ask for it”.

3–Write down your thoughts. Acknowledge your emotional response to those thoughts.  All negative emotions are fear-based.

4– Ask yourself, “Is it really, really true?”

5– Be honest and objective. If you find it difficult, ask what you would advise a friend in the same situation.

6– See the situation from another perspective. You may say, “My job is safe. I am safe. This has nothing to do with me personally. It is a problem that has a solution. Let me think of all the possible solutions”.

Imagine you are in a building with multiple windows. The landscape outside is constant and will not change.  From one window you can see a playground. From another window you can only see large treetops and a paved pathway. Yet from another window all you can see is the beautiful lake with some greenery surrounding it.  The landscape has not changed. Your perception has.

For the job situation, look at it from different windows in your mind. You will most likely find that your fear of being fired or judged may change. You may realize that it’s OK to ask for extra time or resources. Or you may find that your boss is overstressed and is projecting his own fears onto you. You can now go and speak with him (when he is calm) about the stress you are feeling.

Stress, anxiety, depression, anger, sadness, fear and other highly charged emotions are unconscious choices you make. You can allow them to consume you or you can allow yourself to perceive them as separate from you. It’s all about perception.

How have you been able to change your perspective in the past?

What steps did you take?

Has it reduced your stress and anxiety?

Please contact Therapy With Carol to get help in reducing your stress and anxiety.